Chapter 1: The Beginning

I have gone back and forth on the idea of sharing my story for years. I have wanted to get this out of me, and storytelling has always been a way for me to process things. Lately, I have felt almost this physical need to share this stuff. October is domestic violence awareness month. Staying silent for so long has only hurt me more.

This will help me. And maybe it will help someone else too.

When you hear the term “abusive relationship”, do you immediately think of physical abuse? It has been my experience that that is the most common response. Abuse can take many forms: mental, physical, emotional, sexual, financial. Abuse is progressive. Abuse knows no prejudice – it does not discriminate.

In my experience, mental and emotional have been the most dangerous. I am not going to make light of any kind of physical abuse, but the majority of abuse I have had the hardest time healing from has been the mental and emotional abuse inflicted. They are like silent killers – it is very difficult for an outsider to see these abuses.

The systematic breakdown takes time. And it takes so much longer for the victim to recover from. Our minds play tricks on us… we gaslight ourselves; we downplay the trauma; we make excuses for the behavior of others; we take on the blame and responsibility.

And I hate it.

As this has been playing over and over in my mind lately, I can’t help but think about how I survived. More than survived, I have thrived.

I could have let this stuff swallow me whole. But I never did. Why?

A while ago, my therapist asked me what I think my best quality or characteristic is… something I am proud of being. I said, “I am resilient.” She smiled and pointed out that resiliency only comes from adversity. You can’t be resilient if you have never gone through anything. Resiliency only comes for those who have gone through hell.

Is it any wonder that Dante’s Inferno was a favorite book of mine? The journey though hell. How poetic.

So again, I am faced with why. Why did I survive and not dive into the darkness? Life has surely tried to beat me down.

When I was a teenager, I got knocked off my walk with God. I remember that night clear as day. In Bible class, when the teacher asked if there were any prayer requests, a ‘friend’ said we needed to pray for her friend ***** because Mindy was spreading lies about him and there was a court thing the next day. (This is the situation I reference in the video.)

I had not told anyone about those events. I never spoke about them. I was still trying to process it all myself. So hearing this request felt like I had been shot right there. I felt naked, exposed, like my deepest fears had been paraded around in front of me. You know that old adage about being hit by a bus? — This felt like a train.

I declined to comment on this prayer request and then sat there, willing myself not to panic, as the class actually prayed for this guy.

After class, I told the ‘friend’ we were done, I never wanted to speak to her again. And I mentally checked out of church. I still attended with my family, and even continued going all through college. But my heart wasn’t there. I was just going through the motions.

I suppose deep-down I knew I was going to need it one day. I was going to need something much bigger than me to save me. So I never walked away completely.

I truly believe that is the only thing that saved me. God, church, the Bible saved my life. Literally, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. That foundation and absolute faith has brought me here. Without it, I would have been a goner.

I was lost. Sometimes I still feel lost.

The Bible says that all things work for the good. That doesn’t mean we won’t have difficult times or hard lives, but rather that everything works for God’s plan, His good. Maybe that’s what this is. Maybe sharing is the good. Maybe raising three really good, strong humans is the good. Perhaps one day I will get the answer.

 

Other chapters can be found here – Untitled: The Unfinished Story of Me