Chapter 11: Taking Up Too Much Space and Time
The title is a reference to the Taylor Swift song “Tolerate It”. Yes, I am currently a super Swiftie and unapologetically so. Some of her lyrics hit hard. Like this song in particular – I have felt like I am always taking up too much space and time or how about this doozy -> my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it. I mean, whoa.
In this chapter’s video, I talked about a moment last week. Go, watch this. It’ll give the backstory and slightly more context to the rest of this post.
When I discussed all of the events of that morning with my therapist, she broke my heart. She told me that these episodes will be happening more and more often on my healing journey. Great.
Well, technically she said this is part of the healing journey. For so long, I was in survival mode. And my brain would not allow me to feel/think about/experience certain things. It was keeping me safe.
But now that I have created a space of healing, peace, and love, my brain will begin to open up and force me to face certain traumas. Things I need to heal from. I should be proud – it is a testament to the peace I have created for myself.
Hopefully these triggering moments will be few and far between. And the goal is to pinpoint what the root cause of the nervous system response is.
I am so proud of myself for the way I handled this one. I reached out for a lifeline, even just a few months ago I would not have done that. I spoke openly and honestly with myself about the moment. I gave myself the space and grace to feel that, look it right in the face, process it, and then move on from it.
One of the things I think I do really well is self-reflection. I probably borderline on being too extreme and hard on myself because of that. But I try to recognize that too.
This year has been a lot. Life has been a lot.
It is daunting to think about how long this journey is going to be. I know I still have so much sift through. BUT I feel content. Joyful even. I cannot find the proper words to express how I feel – it is a car full of all sorts of emotions – peaceful, happy, joyful, sad, lonely, stressed, nervous, anxious, grateful, and several others. All at the same time. They take turns taking the front seat.
Through it all though, I feel this overwhelming sense of peace. And always have. I am grateful for that peace. I am sure it is what has kept me pushing forward and prevented me from drowning.
