Chapter 12: Choosing Positivity
Apparently there were a few things I needed to get off my chest this week.
Positivity is a choice. I believe that.
When I began sharing publicly these things, I kept wondering why I was able to get through it all… truthfully, I have wondered that many times over the last few decades. Why me? Not why did this happen to me, but why am I still here?
That seems grim. It’s the truth though.
I have never considered suicide. I never fell into utter despair or complete darkness. I always wondered what my purpose was… what was I supposed to do with my life? Why save me? There was always a light – albeit sometimes dim and far away – that I could focus on.
As I have been listening to myself retell these things, as I have been talking with my close friends, family, and therapist, as I have been reading my Bible… maybe positivity saved me. Maybe extending grace saved me. I am not talking about God’s grace – yes, that saved my soul – I mean giving myself grace for not knowing how to process the abuses and rapes. I mean extending grace to the “friend” I speak about in this week’s video. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, forgiving her for something she did not know she did, allowed me to let go of the anger I could have carried forever. It was an unspeakable pain, one that continues to hurt me; however, I harbor no anger there.
Anger has the ability to eat me alive. I know this. I have a healthy amount of fear toward that emotion. Perhaps the keys to releasing anger are grace and forgiveness. Grace and forgiveness feel interchangeable sometimes, don’t they? Grace is a kindness gifted to someone else; forgiveness is letting go of the anger caused by someone else. Grace feels easier for me; forgiveness is a struggle.
So how did I choose positivity in a realistically poopy situation? I’m thinking it started with grace. I tried never to beat myself up too much because of the actions of someone else. I have reminded myself countless times that I was young, impressionable. I have held onto the peace in knowing that there is something SO much better to come. Recently I have been learning who I am, but all along I was reminding myself whose I am.
I do not say any of this from a place of braggadocious superiority but rather a place of gratitude and awe. This is an everyday battle. Every single day.
