Chapter 7: Alone

This one feels a little personal for me. And I realize how nuts that sounds, since all of these chapters are personal. It’s like tearing open an old wound in order to fix it. But in this open, exposed state, I feel extremely unprotected and uncovered.

Trauma survivors learn quickly how to hide feelings because we learned that it is not always safe to let others see it. I’ve always considered not being believed and supported as the worst case. However, as I go through this process, I realize that wasn’t the worst possible scenario. The worst is when you do share with someone and that person betrays you. That hurts more than the original pain. And that betrayal has solidified the need to keep things private.

One of my favorite Taylor Swift songs is called “You’re On Your Own Kid”. The end of the song goes,

From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes

I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this

I hosted parties and starved my body

Like I’d be saved by a perfect kiss

 

The jokes weren’t funny, I took the money

My friends from home don’t know what to say

I looked around in a blood-soaked gown

And I saw something they can’t take away

 

‘Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned

Everything you lose is a step you take

So make the friendship bracelets

Take the moment and taste it

You’ve got no reason to be afraid

 

You’re on your own, kid

Yeah, you can face this 

You’re on your own, kid

You always have been

So, I will “make the friendship bracelets” by purposefully reaching out. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to get here… And I am proud to have made it this far.